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Right Said Brett

'Lions and Tigers and B*stards, Oh My!' - Let's Teach Kids About the Real World

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'Lions and Tigers and B*stards, Oh My!'

Let's Teach Kids About the Real World

(aka 'Correcting Kids and Mopping Floors - The Efficient Way' by Delbert Grady)

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Something has to be done about the current state of nursery rhymes, people. As it stands, they are blatantly lying to our children, by way of omission. These nursery rhymes fill their heads with hopeful nonsense and naive wonderment. I ask you, what happens when these children grow up and come to realise what a dark and dangerous place this world is? I walk around today and I see happy kids everywhere. Great big smiles on their content little faces and it makes me absolutely sick to my stomach!

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The children listening to the above, know nothing of the horrendous bleakness and futility that is life.

Well, no longer! I have a dream...

It's high time that we stopped setting up the next generation for inevitable disillusionment and it's due time that we started getting downright honest with them. I believe that with a few very minor alterations, the medium of the nursery rhyme can still be a very valid method of teaching lessons of humanity and the universe to young children, without having to resort to hiding the truth from them. I'll give you an example...

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Barney the Extinct-Because-I-Was-Killed-Horribly-By-a-Ginormous-Space-Rock-65-Million-Years-Ago-and-Am-Now-Nothing-More-Than-Dust-Just-Like-You'll-Be-One-Day Dinosaur says "Sing along kids..."

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The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round.

'round and 'round.

'round and 'round.

The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round.

All through the town!

The conductor of the bus dreamt of something better.

Dreamt of of something better.

Dreamt of something better.

The conductor of the bus despises his job.

Nobody will ever care.

The man on the bus is wearing a bomb, wearing a bomb, wearing a bomb.

The man on the bus is wearing a bomb because he's an Islamic terrorist.

The man on the bus goes BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

The limbs on the bus go flying everywhere,

all through the town!

The wheels on the bus no longer go 'round.

No longer go 'round.

No longer go 'round.

The wheels on the bus no longer go 'round.

A chilled silence and the stench of death now permeates the air in a grizzly way. Yet in time all of this will be forgotten because everything is destined to die and there is no God but for now, like I say, death hangs in the air... all through the town!

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I have no doubts that you'll agree with me when I say that absolutely NONE of the magical whimsy contained within the original rhyme has been lost in translation.

Obviously, this is a brilliant idea all-in-all and the science behind it is sound, so I'll just leave you with some further concepts for potential truth based nursery rhymes. They cover a whole plethora of valuable life lessons on the subject of human stupidity and the pointless nature of life itself...

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* Baa, Baa, Black Sheep - Ostracised for daring to have ideals and/or beliefs different to the white sheep, who had been raised to believe that anything with differently coloured wool was an inferior life-form and therefore must be duly segregated from the rest of the herd.

* Georgie Porgie - Mocked for his weight his whole life. Died of a heart attack at the tender age of 31. The final thought that crossed young George's mind, as he succumbed to the empty void of non-existence that is death, was one of abject relief.

* Girls and Boys Come Out To Play - The boys take things too far and violate the girls "personal space". The girls are later informed that they "were asking for it, by having the sheer audacity to exist and daring to possess breasts" by a misogynistic judge.

* Twinkle Twinkle Little Star - Oh, how you make me realise just how insignificant we all are.

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Obviously, I'm just spit-balling at this stage. I'm sure that the folk down at R&D will be able to iron out some of the finer details.

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"Hmm... these lyrics require approximately 40% more despair. Quick, somebody show Thom Yorke a puppy with cancer and get him in here, stat!"

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I feel a little refinement may be in order, but otherwise you're very much onto a grand idea here.

Might I suggest, however, that Baa Baa Black Sheep instead be about the black sheep being burned down for daring to have ideals and/or beliefs different to the white ones, who had been raised to believe that anything with differently coloured wool was evil and must be destroyed? I feel that to be a FAR more important lesson to teach children these days.

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Might I suggest, however, that Baa Baa Black Sheep instead be about the black sheep being burned down for daring to have ideals and/or beliefs different to the white ones, who had been raised to believe that anything with differently coloured wool was evil and must be destroyed? I feel that to be a FAR more important lesson to teach children these days.

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"Done and done and I mean done"

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